Time for Reflection

Posted on July 1, 2011 by flipwalker

So, it seems that I have some time on my hands. About 7 hours of it to be exact. I’m currently some thousands of feet in the air after taking off from Bagram Airfield, Afghanistan in a C17 en route to Germany on the first leg of the flight back to the United States. After spending 19 hours in Germany we’ll continue over the big blue and into American airspace, landing eventually near Camp Shelby, Mississippi.

It is a relief to be airborne finally. The last three days have been long and irritating. Much like anything else in the military things did not go as planned. I was supposed to be in the air 3 days ago, but due to… Well, I don’t know why, but the flight was delayed, and then delayed again. So after 3 days of very little sleep and moving back and forth from the PAX Terminal with our gear, today we finally managed to get on the plane. Of course it still up in the air(I swear, I didn’t intend to pun that one…) on whether we’ll make it all the way to Germany, let alone the United States, I am at least cautiously optimistic.

While C17’s are certainly not the most comfortable planes to fly around in there are some perks. IE: The power outlets along the outside of the plane. And the fact that I’m one of only 8 soldiers on this flight. We’re the Cargo Riders for our Battalion, so down the middle of the plane are nine Air Force pallets full of sensitive items(crew serve weapons, night vision, thermal scopes, missile launchers ect…). But pretty much anywhere else we can hang out. We’re even allowed to lie down on the side of the plane and take a nap. Oh, and did I mention there’s power for our laptops and iPods? ;-)

All that was just to explain why I have so much time on my hands. So here I sit thinking over the last year. It’s been a year of frustration and changes for me. I left Utah as a Squad Leader in 2nd Platoon of my company. I will admit to struggling while we did our train up in Fort McCoy. But I believe I did an acceptable job. Unfortunately my leadership lacked confidence in me. But I fought through it. Then at the end of the train up time my Platoon Sergeant was replaced by a newly promoted Platoon Sergeant.

I was tentatively happy about this change. I thought it would give me an opportunity to regain the trust of my leadership and perhaps reduce some of the stress I had been feeling under my former Platoon Sergeant. Unfortunately this hope was short lived. If anything my new Platoon Sergeant disliked me and/or my leadership style more than my previous one.

I guess that deserves some explanation. I am a very odd person to find in a combat focused company. Which mine definitely is. I am not a type ‘A’ personality (not that I probably need to tell any of you this…). And very nearly everyone in combat companies are type ‘A’. So I’ve always had trouble fitting into this unit, but it’s where my Army career started, and I’ve been loath to leave. Unfortunately I don’t have the aggressive in your face attitude that thrives in this environment. And those who don’t thump their chests an appropriate amount are considered weak and viewed as fair game for the chest thumpers.

I struggled through the first six months of combat constantly stressed and generally pissed off all the time. My squad was plagued with problems, mostly relating to the ‘garrison’ environment of FOB life, not so much once we were on mission outside the wire. I fought a constant battle with both my leadership and the very young junior NCO’s that were my team leaders. There were certainly problems, but I didn’t think any of the problems were cause for extreme concern, or were problems unique to my squad.

In December I was blessed with the opportunity to take mid-tour leave and to see my second son, Makaio, born. I spent those two weeks enjoying the time with the family and trying to recharge for the last 6 months of being a Squad Leader. I wanted to bring all my soldiers home, and was looking forward to stepping off the plane having completed my deployment as a combat Squad Leader who had brought all of his Soldiers home. As much as my soldiers irritated the hell out of me, they were ‘my soldiers’ and I loved all of them.

I headed back to Afghanistan at the end of December determined to finish out the deployment strong and equally determined to transfer to a new unit once this deployment was over. I was tired of always struggling to fit into a group that I simply wasn’t a part of. I was also tired of combat, and the physical demands of it. I may only be 27 but my body feels much older than that.

Upon return to Afghanistan I learned that the Company was being split. Two platoons would be going to a smaller FOB a large distance away and one platoon would stay at the FOB we were currently at. My platoon was going to be moving. However, the same day I returned my leadership pulled me aside and informed me that I would not be moving with my squad. In fact I had been replaced by an E-5 from the other squad while I was on leave. ‘My Soldiers’ were no longer mine. I am ashamed to admit that there were tears shed over this, though I at least had the strength to wait until I was in the questionable privacy of my room.

The men I had led for six months had been ripped away from me and I was now floating in limbo with no idea what I was going to do for the next 6 months. Over the following week as my platoon packed up and prepared to move I slowly managed to figure out what would happen to me. I was going to be the senior NCO for the platoon that was remaining in place. I would work in the Tactical Operations Center (TOC) as a mix of S1 (Personnel), S3 (Operations), and Senior NCO for the Detachment.

Now I had made it a goal to avoid the TOC whenever possible prior to this time. To say I knew nothing about what happened there would not be an exaggeration. But I tried to hold my head up and learn to the best of my ability what would be expected of me now. It was not easy. The TOC is a completely different world from being a Squad Leader in a combat Platoon. And to top it off, being the Senior NCO meant that I, as an E-6, would be rubbing shoulders with E-8’s around the FOB, and it was my job not to let them walk all over my lonely Platoon. A daunting task to be sure.

A short week after I had returned to Afghanistan the two platoons moved to their new home leaving me alone in my new position, still struggling to learn what I needed to know. Luckily for me the Officer In Charge was one of my old LT’s whom I had always got along with and who was experienced in the TOC. I am ashamed to say that I probably made his job harder then it needed to be because of my inexperience. But I hope I took at least some of the strain off of him.

So for the last six months of my deployment I sat in the TOC, delivering mail to the Soldiers of 1st Platoon, and generally struggling to keep myself from going insane from boredom and the frustration and humiliation of being removed from my previous position. It wasn’t easy for me, and I’m afraid my wife may have taken more abuse from me due to my frustrations then she deserves.

But now I’m homeward bound finally. What does the future hold? I don’t really know. I’m still sure (more sure) that I want to transfer out of this Company. Currently my ultimate goal is to become a Warrant Officer, hopefully in Aviation flying helicopters. Unfortunately I’ve recently learned I will need to spend a couple of years as a grunt in one of the Aviation units before the Commander of that unit will accept my Warrant packet. So I’m trying to talk to a recruiter from those units to learn what I can do for a couple of years before I put in my packet.

If that doesn’t work out then I’m considering trying to join a Communications unit that drills near my home. Perhaps go into Computer Networking or something like that. One thing I know for sure: I will not remain in the Sapper Company. My humiliation is too great. I will never again be able to lead troops in combat, and I’m not happy about that.

If I had been allowed to complete this deployment leading troops I would have turned my back on it happily. But to be removed from that position is something I think will always bother me and embarrasses me greatly. But it happened and so I must move forward with my career in any way that I can. I’m sorely tempted to quit. But that would be quitting, and I don’t think I could live myself if I did that. And by the end of this enlistment I will have 12 years in the military. I would regret not finishing out my 20 to get retirement benefits.

And so there it is. The last 12 months of my life summarized into a few paragraphs. I may regret publishing this. For that matter I may not publish it once the plane lands. But at least it took up some time. I most likely won’t post again until I’m settled in at home, so until then……

-Some Dumb Soldier

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On Feeling Needed

Posted on June 25, 2011 by flipwalker

First off may I be the first to say that yes, the title sounds like some femme book title about how men are pigs and need to treat women better. But that’s not what I’m discussing here, nor am I trying to flip flop it and blame my wife(though I have no doubt I will probably be in trouble for this post…).

I’ve been away from my wife and children for almost a year(well, I did get to spend 2 weeks with them midway through the year). And now I’m almost ready to be reunited with them(count down is at 15-16 days right now). And I don’t feel like my loved ones want me home.

Intellectually I know this is a bogus feeling. That of course my wife and children want me home. But emotionally it feels like my wife has enjoyed the time I’ve been gone because it’s allowed her to live her life and raise our children however she wanted with no bothersome husband to cramp her style.

I even know this feeling is completely ‘normal’ even ‘textbook’ for returning soldiers. For God’s sake we received briefings about it in the past. Unfortunately none of this makes one bit of difference in the way I feel.

Right now I’m angry enough that I want to go hunt down a unit to extend with and stay here for another 6 months to a year. Hell, there are very good financial reasons to do just that. Financially I’m in quicksand at home without the active duty pay check. But I know I won’t do that. And I know it wouldn’t be the ‘right’ thing to do.

So since I know I won’t actually extend… How do I deal with this feeling of not being needed? As a husband and a father I feel that I should be a pivotal part of my family. I should be involved in the decisions of the household. I should have a say in the way my children are raised. I should be able to say that I want my children to go see their grandparents.

But right now I have been removed from the equation. My opinion is dismissed as unimportant(or so it feels to me). And I have no way to enforce my will. Or even have a reasonable face to face discussion about the way I want things done. Reading that it sounds like I want to be the iron fist, my way or the highway. But that’s not my intent. I just want to have an equal say in the way the family is run.

Is this wrong? Since I’ve been absent for a year should I step back and allow my family to run themselves as they have for the past year? If so, what purpose do I serve? Why am I even part of this family? Entirely as the provider of money? I know in past centuries that was indeed the role of the husband. But this is the 21 century. Husbands are supposed to be involved now aren’t they?

Say that I am supposed to slide back into a role as an involved husband/father. How on Earth do I do such a thing? My children have continued to develop at rapid pace for the last year. They have done things I know nothing about. Have had more firsts without their father then with their father. For heavens say my youngest doesn’t even know who I am.

And my wife… When I left she was dependent on me. I don’t know if she’ll admit that publicly but she was. She knew nothing about bills, really nothing about our finances what so ever. Her whole life revolved around the home and the child(ren). I handled everything involving money.

Now… I am literally just a provider of the money that appears in the bank account twice monthly. She handles everything without me. And frankly has probably done a better job of it then I ever did. Though she has also had more cash with which to take care of things.

So. Here I am. I still don’t know the right answer. But I guess I’ll have to start figuring it out in about 15 days. Hopefully it’ll go more smoothly then I suspect. One way or the other, I’ll be home soon sweetie. I love you and miss you. And we’ll figure all this out.

Posted in Family Ramblings | 5 Comments

The Final 31

Posted on May 22, 2011 by flipwalker

So I’m officially in the final 31 days of my time overseas this time around. I should be happy right? Well, I am. Its just hard to tell. Okay, so maybe I’m lying. I am actually struggling more right now then I have so far during the deployment.

I imagine the old saying of ‘A watched pot doesn’t boil’ fits. The end is so close that I can’t get it out of my head and time has slowed to a snails pace. I’m sleeping less and less and every time I hear an explosion I seem to get jumpier.

How horrible would it be if I managed to survive 6 months of line duty(actual Route Clearance missions), and 4 months of FOBBIT life only to get hit by some sort of IDF in the last 31 days of my time in this shit hole?

And to top it all off my sons are continuing to grow and make progress in their development without me. As much as I love my wife and appreciate it when she sends pictures and video of my two sons, it hurts too. Watching Ross run around, hearing all the words he’s learning on a daily basis. Seeing Makaio do pushups, roll and giggle at my wife as she plays peek-a-boo with him.

I know I’m not the only one experiencing these things. Lord knows there have been a lot of births in the Company over the past year. Each of those fathers is having to deal with knowing that they don’t actually know their own child. When they get home it’s very likely their child will be frightened of them.

Leave was awesome. But that was 2 weeks. Now I’ll have to learn how to live with a wife and two sons that have lived without me perfectly well for a year. I have to curb my foul mouth so my very smart son doesn’t learn to mimic dad. How long will it take Makaio to learn to know me as his father? Has the past year scarred my relationship with my sons beyond what can be repaired? Does my wife still have a place for her husband in the household?

These are the questions that keep me up at night. The answers don’t even matter right now. What I should be focused on is just getting there to find the answers. But it’s easier said than done.

So basically: I’m excited to get home. But I want to skip the next 31 days and go right to the getting off the plane in Utah part. At the same time I’m scared of what it will be like to be home.

And so I sign off trying to shut my eyes and block these questions from my mind so I can get more than a couple of hours of sleep. See you all soon, but not soon enough.

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Where Did the Workers Go?

Posted on May 12, 2011 by flipwalker

Today I was surfing Facebook and came across this link posted by the Discovery Channel about Mike Rowe(from Dirty Jobs) testifying before the U.S. Senate Committee on Commerce, Science and Transportation. When I read the title I went, ‘Huh?’ Why, I asked myself, would Mike Rowe be testifying in front of a Senate Committee.

Well, since I enjoy Mike Rowe on Dirty Jobs I decided to read it. I wasn’t disappointed. He discusses a critical shortage in our country. Of skilled labor. You know, the guy you call when somethings broke and you want it fixed?

Now I’m no researcher, so I’m relying on the facts as Mike Rowe sees them but my ‘gut’ tells me he’s right. Why are those who choose to pursue a career in plumbing, electrical work, welding, or any number of other skilled labor jobs looked down on by many people in our society?

As Mike Rowe says they are often looked on as ‘second rate’. Those who couldn’t make it in a ‘higher education’ institution and instead decided to apprentice to a Master of the trade or attend a trade school.

My father is my hero. And he’s worked his tail off my entire life. Not in an office, but working with his hands. He currently owns and operates Walker Custom Boots making many styles of handmade boots as well as shoes and custom footbeds. He is an ‘uneducated’ man who only graduated High School but anyone who assumes this means he’s stupid is in for a hell of a surprise.

Give my father a chunk of wood and he can turn it into a beautiful bowl, candle stick, or any number of other useful objects. Call him on the phone and describe a sound your car is making and nine times out of ten he’ll  be able to tell you why it’s making that sound and what you need to do to fix it. Take him your favorite pair of old beat up cowboy boots and he can make them good as new.

Never in my life have I met a man more talented or intelligent then my father. So why are our children pushed into seeking four year degree’s like it’s the only smart choice? Why are our children not made aware of the many and rewarding opportunities in the trade skills?

Don’t get me wrong. I think getting an education is a good thing. But we can’t all be doctors. Its time to start reminding our children that it’s ok to be skilled with your hands. You don’t have to have a four year degree to have a good career. As long as you’re willing to get dirty. Hell, getting dirty is a lot more rewarding then sitting in an office all day anyway!

Soon, Mike Rowe claims, you’ll have to pay your plumber or electrician more then your psychologist. Why? Because there are going to be more psychologists then plumbers! Supply and demand works for more then just merchandise.

Now me, I’m not too worried. I already know who to call when my plumbing fails. He’s on speed dial!

Posted in Rambling Ramblings | 4 Comments

John Ringo

Posted on May 4, 2011 by flipwalker

As I’ve mentioned in one of my posts I am an avid reader. Mostly I read Sci-Fi and Fantasy. Figured I’d post some of my favorite authors and their books.

John Ringo:

This author is perhaps one of my all time favorite authors. I discovered him on my first deployment and I have never looked back. He is prior service Army and knows how to write the life of a soldier. He gets the interactions between soldiers and the realities of combat spot on in my opinion.

I haven’t found one of his books I didn’t like, but if you’re looking for somewhere to start I’d recommend “A Hymn Before Battle”.  Its the first book of one of his longest series’ based on an alien invasion of Earth by a carnivorous centaur like enemy  and the Armored Combat Suit shock troops used to defend our planet(and others).

The main character is a man by the name of Mike O’Neil. He starts off the books as a LT brought in to advise on the design of the Armored Combat Suits(ACS). He quickly moves up to advising the first ACS unit as it heads into combat and gets the questionable honor of being the highest ranking surviving member of the ACS company he was embedded with when all hell breaks loose.

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Are You Serious?!

Posted on May 4, 2011 by flipwalker

I just logged onto one of the news sites I’ve been reading to see this headline: “Tribe seeks apology for code name”.

Are you serious?! I generally consider myself to be a rather fair and sensitive person. Perhaps some people would disagree(well, to be fair I’m pretty sure some of the Afghans I’ve dealt with would definitely disagree).

But this is truly ridiculous! Its a code name for God’s sake! It is used so a target or operation can be discussed without constant worry of being overheard! Every high value target and every major operation is assigned a codename. There are many we hear about on a regular basis during intelligence briefs.

If the biggest concern you have right now is that someone used the name of your Tribes hero as the codename for Bin Laden or the operation to capture him you need to seriously review your priorities! I guess we should just scrap all code names on the off chance that someone might be offended that we used their uncles name in reference to a suicide bomber.

GET OVER IT! You really want an apology letter from the President of the United States over this? Well you certainly won’t get an apology from this Soldier. And I pray the President doesn’t give you one either.

PC is killing this Nation!

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Do They Truly Understand?

Posted on May 4, 2011 by flipwalker

I have been paying closer attention to the media the past week or so then I usually do because of Bin Laden’s death. I am still unsure what to think of what I see however. I see pictures of young and old celebrating in the streets. College students waving flags and cheering. Military and Public Service members sitting at memorials around the country.

But how many of these people truly understand what has happened? Or what sacrifices have been made leading up to this event? Or the many lives that will be lost in the future even though ‘Public Enemy #1′ is now dead?

One of the web comics I enjoy recently posted a comic making fun of college students and their supposed ignorance of the war and what is really happening. I’m not so naive as to think all college students are oblivious to the facts of this conflict. Unfortunately the reactions of many of them only seem to confirm the opinion that many of today’s young men and women don’t comprehend the realities of war.

I’ve stated before that I’m as pleased as the next person that Bin Laden is dead. But celebrating in the streets like the war is won is perhaps a bit premature. The media hails this as ‘An amazing Patriotic display’. But is this really Patriotism? Celebrating the death of one man who, though certainly important in the world of Terrorism, is just one man. We are fighting tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of religious fanatic terrorists, as well as those they force to do their bidding through fear.

Yes. We’ve won a battle. A very minor battle when looking at the big picture of the war in my opinion. Does his death bring back the thousands of lives that have been taken? Will it prevent the deaths of soldiers today, tomorrow and the years to come in Afghanistan and Iraq? If not then why are we stopping to celebrate? The soldiers in the war zones certainly aren’t pausing to celebrate. We’ve got a job to do.

Now is the time to buckle down and focus on the task at hand. To look forward to the next step in this war. If we let ourselves get bogged down with this celebration we will loose what little momentum we may have gained from this successful operation.

As to the question I asked a bit earlier. Is this Patriotism? I don’t believe so. In some cases I’m sure the celebration is done with a legitimate feeling of Patriotism, but I believe the majority of young people celebrating in the streets are doing it simply because ‘its the thing to do’.

Well let me send a message to those young people: If you want to be Patriotic, walk your happy ass over to the nearest recruiting station and sign the dotted line. Pick up a rifle and follow us, because we are Route Clearance and we clear the way.

IRON SAPPERS!

Posted in Rambling Ramblings, Ramblings About the Military | 4 Comments

The Rambling Begins

Posted on May 3, 2011 by flipwalker

And so it begins. How long it lasts no one knows. I have had several people tell me I should start a blog. They seem to think I’ve inherited the family gene for writing. Well, I don’t know about that, but recently there have been some things that I have felt the need to express my opinion and view on. So here I am. I don’t know yet if I’ll share the link to this with anyone, but at least this will give me an area to vent.

I figure I’ll start with a general introduction. I’m sure many of you will already know me if you read this, but you might learn something about me you didn’t know previously. Stranger things have happened. Like me starting a blog.

My name is Philip. I am a ‘Citizen Soldier’,  ‘Nasty Guard’, a ‘Weekend Warrior’, or any number of other terms used for a member of the Army National Guard. I grew up in rural Utah about a half a mile outside a small town. It was a quiet place to grow up. I learned how to entertain myself, and how to be content alone.

My mother taught me to love animals and I spent hours raising a never ending list of strange creatures. I was also a member of Pony Club, and enjoyed many years of riding English and Western styles.

My father was not around much during my early life due to him being a long haul semi-truck driver. He was not an easy person to get along with, but then, is any good father? He was strict, and accepted nothing less then what I felt was perfection at the time. There were many times growing up that I thought I hated my father. I could not have been more wrong.

When I was in middle school my father gave up his profession in order to spend more time with his family. This is where my father really started to impress me. He, with no prior experience what so ever, started his own boot repair business. Within a couple of years he had made his business successful and even started hand making custom Cowboy boots. He is truely amazing when it comes to what he can create out of nothing but a side of leather and some thread. I highly encourage everyone to check out his website at: www.walkercustomboots.com

During this time my father and I started to get along a bit better. I started to learn from him what honor and respect means. He taught me how to hunt. He tried to teach me how to enjoy the little things in life. This is a lesson I am still trying to master. I’m afraid I am too much like he was in his younger days.

Throughout all of this time both of my parents instilled in me a love of reading. In fact my entire family shares this love. Though we differ slightly in our preferred genre’s there is no doubt that reading is important to all of us.

They also encouraged my brother and I to be Patriotic. Both my parents served in the Army, and though I never felt any pressure whatsoever to serve myself I felt that need by the time I was old enough to enlist.

Though I originally tried to enlist in the National Guard prior to 9/11 I was denied my requested MOS due to hearing issues. I finally managed to pass the hearing test in November of 2001. Why you need to be able to hear in order to blow stuff up I’ll never understand.

I attended 12B(Combat Engineer) Basic Training at Fort Leonard Wood, and deployed to Iraq in February, 2003. I spent just over one year boots on ground in Iraq. During my time there I did a bit of everything including: Force Protection construction, FOB construction, UXO clearance, Route Clearance, and Convoy Security. Our unit received a large amount of recognition from the Regular Army, namely from the Commanding General of the 1st Armored Division that we served with in Baghdad.

In May 2004 I returned home and spent the next 6 years of my life settling down to the good life of being married to a wonderful woman and starting our family together. I gained my Law Enforcement certification from the State of Utah, and took up employment with the State.

In 2009 we learned that our time had finally arrived again. It was back to war for the Sappers from Utah. We spent the next year preparing ourselves for war, this time in Afghanistan. In July of 2010 we left our families and our homes for a foreign land.

I am currently a Staff Sergeant(Pay Grade of E-6). I preformed Route Clearance for the first 6 months of my deployment, and then was moved to an administrative position in my company, much to the relief of my friends and family, and much to my irritation.

I am almost done with my second deployment. And I can’t wait to be home.

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Bin Laden : Tango Down

Posted on May 3, 2011 by flipwalker

The following is an email I wrote to family and friends shortly after I heard the news that Bin Laden had been killed by Seal Team 6.

It has been a long while since I wrote an email but I thought with the events of the past couple of days it might be a good time to write. I imagine you are all aware that Bin Laden is being reported as dead at the hands of Seal Team 6. This is being celebrated across the United States. Though I share in the excitement that the hunt for him is finally over I do not see it as an immediate end to the War on Terror that many Americans seem to think it is.

Apparently Seal Team 6 flew into Pakistan(I’m within 30km of the border with Pakistan oddly enough) and attacked a mansion they believed Bin Laden to be hiding in. Bin Laden resisted and was killed in the resulting gun battle. I can’t say that I’m sorry. It is a horrible thing that we are reduced to being pleased that a fellow human being is dead. But after all the death he has caused I cannot bring myself to feel any pity for him whatsoever…

My only concern at this point is the possible attacks our Soldiers, Sailors , Airmen and Marines will be faced with as the terrorists seek to get revenge for their leaders death.  It is the unfortunate circle that we are caught in. They attack us, we attack them, which leads to more attacks on us. Ultimately one side must destroy the other completely or the cycle will continue into infinity. This is not a war I feel we can back away from. This is a war to the hilt. We can not hesitate, we cannot back down unless we wish to be fighting it for all eternity.

Many people believe the soldiers love war. That we seek it out. While this might be true for a small number of people in the military this is NOT the case with the vast majority of our military. Many of us detest war. We hate what it means. We hate that it takes us from our families and friends. However, we also accept that as distasteful as war is, it is inevitable at this point in time, and we are willing to sacrifice our minds, and even our lives if necessary to try to keep our families and friends from having to suffer the way we’ve seen so many people suffer.

I dream of a time when war will no longer be a reality. When I, and all of the other men and women in uniform, can hang up our uniform in confidence that our services are no longer needed to ensure the safety of our families. But that day is not today. And I fear it will not be in my lifetime, nor even in my children’s.  But this is why I fight. This is why I have left my wife and children at home alone. This is why I will have a 6 month old son whom I will not know when I get home.

I apologize for the tone of this email. But this is weighing heavily on my mind right now and I can’t help but remember all my brothers and sisters that have sacrificed their lives for these wars. And all of the ones that will still die before we defeat the enemy. In particular of course I remember SFC James Thode, the Platoon Sergeant that was killed in action by terrorists on December 2nd 2010. Also the 3 soldiers killed on my base in the last 2 months due to indirect fire.

This email is was sparked several people to recommend that I start a blog. So here it is. The beginning of the end. Since this email I have had some more thoughts on the matter and the response of the general public. But since I’ve written so much already tonight I think I’ll save that for tomorrow.

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Self Reflection

Posted on May 3, 2011 by flipwalker

In order to give you the ability to understand some of my ramblings a bit better I am going to attempt to explain some of how I viewed myself in the past and how I currently see myself. This is going to be difficult, so bear with me please.

I have struggled for as long as I can remember with self confidence. I have never been good enough for myself, let alone for anyone else. I am proud of very few things that I have done. Many people could have done much better then I had they been given the same opportunities that I have.

From an early age I struggled with depression and suicidal tendencies. Or perhaps I should say rather that I had a tendency to hurt myself. I was what would be classified as a ‘cutter’. My wrist still bears the scars of this time in my life. I never made a serious attempt to end my life.

I did not do this for attention. Or at least not consciously. I did it in order to feel something. I felt numb. I did not feel like it mattered whether I lived or died. I did not enjoy life the way I saw others enjoying their lives. I’ve come to accept this as my own fault now, but at the time I did not.

I don’t honestly remember why, or the events that led to it, but my mother(bless her heart) saw me struggling and dragged me kicking and screaming to therapy. One day I must find my first therapist and thank him. He spent months breaking down my barriers one at a time, trying to get me to open up to him.

Eventually he succeeded and he helped me. He also prescribed some medications to assist, but I believe that the therapy was the primary reason for my slow recovery to a semi-functional teenager.

However during my senior year in high school I decided that I was enlisting in the Army. I was told that the Army would not accept someone who was on anti-depressants or attending therapy. Whether or not this was true at the time I still don’t know for sure. But I took it to heart and went cold turkey off everything. It was a struggle but I survived my senior year and made it to Basic in one piece.

Now one might think that a person who is prone to depression and cutting would do very poorly in Basic. This might be true normally, but not for me. The Army gave me a purpose to my life I had lacked previously. I had direction for the first time in my life. I felt like I mattered. I was part of a team.

I have held onto that direction ever since Basic Training. Do I still struggle some times? Absolutely. But who doesn’t?

Ever since I joined the Army National Guard I have seen myself as a Soldier first. I am a Weekend Warrior, but I strive to live the Army Values to the best of my abilities. Is this cheesy? Sure is. But I BELIEVE in the Army Values. Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless Service, Honor, Integrity, and Personal Courage.

The fact that I do see myself as a Soldier first has, unfortunately, caused problems in other aspects of my life. My relationship with my wife has struggled at times because of my feeling of responsibility to the Army. I take my Oath of Service very seriously. But I also took an Oath to my wife when I married her. I struggle during the times those two oaths conflict. My wife has come to accept my view on this I believe. I’m not sure how I got so lucky, but I thank God regularly for her understanding.

My relationship with my civilian employer has also suffered at times. As an Army National Guard Soldier I am required to serve ‘One weekend a month, two weeks a year.’. Or at least this is what most people believe. In reality it is not nearly this simple. For one thing the Drill Schedule is determined a year in advance. Unfortunately, as with so many things where the Military is involved, the Drill Schedule is extremely flexible. You can regularly depend on the dates changing several times throughout the year.

Also a ‘weekend’ can be anything from a simple one day drill to a exhaustive 4 day affair starting on Thursday and lasting till Sunday evening. And two weeks of summer camp a year can easily turn into 3 weeks if you go outside of the continental United States for training.

And to top it all off, with increased rank comes increased responsibility. And that responsibility does not end when final formation is dismissed. Just ask my wife how many midnight calls I have received from my soldiers. She will undoubtedly roll her eyes and laugh.

Now talk to my employer who has threatened me with disciplinary action because I answer my phone to deal with military concerns while technically ‘on the clock’ at my civilian job. While I can see his side of things if I try I feel that my military service takes priority. Whether or not this is the ‘correct’ view I don’t know. It is simply how I feel.

For the record I only handled military business when it would not threaten the security of myself or others at my civilian employment. Generally this was while other officers were surfing the web, posting on Facebook, or any number of other ‘personal’ activities.

My employer has also threatened me in the past with dropping my insurance due to ‘excessive military service’. Thankfully I knew enough about my rights to fight that one tooth and nail and won. However it has caused no small amount of bad blood between myself and my supervisor.

As I said before, I don’t know if my views are ‘correct’, but it is the way I view my Oath, and my responsibility to my fellow Soldiers.

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